Let go
by mimezz
Summary: Just a short AU dealing with the difficulties of life and slight regrets, Paily sadfeels. Nothing special.


**Let go**

It was the 17th of July, a warm sunny day full of the happy sound of chirping birds and children´s laughter. Emily hadn´t gone to swim practice that day; she´d walked out of their apartment, another day of knowing Samara was already by the pool and preparing today´s practice, when suddenly she´d parked the car in a parking lot on the other side of town and walked wherever her legs had taken her.

She´d never acted out, never just "run away" from their usual routine, always doing as told in the end.

Walking and walking, free of the training bag of swim gear usually weighing down on her shoulder, she found herself in the park; sitting down on a bench and looking out over the sky-blue lake surrounded by the moderately popular walking trail. The rustling of the leaves in the trees, the sound of occasional wind playing against the still water, and the sounds of a dog barking in the distance made her wonder why she´d never been here before even though she knew the answer herself. She´d never had the time for it; her schedule always taunting her in that regard.

She took the time to just feel; watching grandparents holding hand with their grandchildren around the lake, a swan-pair floating across the wet surface, and families throwing out small crumbs of bread to the ducks on the other side.

She wondered what Samara was thinking right about now; when she realized Emily wasn´t showing up at all, and not answering her phone. She´d left that in the car without even thinking of bringing it with her anymore. She imagined their no longer so rare arguments fueling up with new force; this time it wasn´t only about their private relationship, now it would also be their professional.

Emily slumped against the bench and rested her arms over her eyes; almost making it seems like night had fallen over her.

But then there was the sound of steps against the gravelly path, disappearing just as it sounded they came close. Curious, she lifted her right arm and peeked out as her eye tried to adapt back to the light of the sun.

The form of a woman, long auburn hair, clad in comfortable black jeans and a flannel shirt had walked onto the grass right by the edge of the lake, and pulled out a mysterious object from her rucksack. When she´d folded it out, Emily realized it was a camera stand. The woman fussed over it, making sure it stood perched and secured, and screwing a button on its side, and then assembled the last piece on top; a black camera.

The woman seemed transfixed where she pressed the shutter, trying out different angles, waiting for the swans to turn her way, taking a picture of a loose dog having stolen an ice cone from a now crying child. Emily couldn´t help the slight smile forming on her lips; though the woman has had her back turned against her the whole time, Emily could sense her playful energy. How she took in the scenery and seemed to form it into, what seemed to her, almost something magical.

But then, the dog took a sprint towards her, and Emily stood up by instinct when the hound ran between the woman and the camera stand; the woman ending up on the grass with a small "ooph".

Emily hadn´t thought much, her legs had brought her to the slightly tousled form in a matter of a few seconds; reaching out her hands and helping the woman covered in grass strands up.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, thanks," the woman gently accepted the outstretched hand in hers, brushing of her clothes. However, when they finally locked eyes, the two became slightly shocked. "Oh sorry, now I´ve got grass all over you too. Hey, don´t I...Know you?"

"Uh, yeah. It´s me, Emily I mean. And you´re..." Emily couldn´t help her eyes trailing off, taking in the form of someone she hadn´t seen in almost eight years. But she´d never forgotten.

"...Paige" she finished for Emily, grinning while the girl with the black locks blinked with her mouth slightly agape. "Wow, I never thought I´d see you here. You look..."

As Paige trailed off, motioning with her head, Emily filled in for her. "Shabby?" She´d picked comfortable clothes rather than anything fancy; she would´ve changed into her swim gear usually, not wanting to bother choosing clothes than took more time and effort than necessary.

"I would say great" and as the familiar toothy grin resurfaced conveying all of her honesty, Emily in turn felt her cheeks heat up. it was like a mystery; four words was all it took, make her fall back to age sixteen in high school; the same smile, the same intense eyes that gave her heart a faster beat. It was silly, Emily knew. They weren´t sixteen anymore, their secret romance had eventually caved in on itself with bittersweet tears and numberless apologies, their feelings had changed and they weren´t the persons they´d once been.

But once Emily had asked Paige to sit down on the bench with her, she knew that maybe this time they could start over as friends. They hadn´t treaded any personal topics, nothing heavy or too intimate. They just talked like two old friends, finally reuniting after years of separation. And after Paige had coaxed out laughter out of her time and time again, noticing her in the beginning slightly tired and gloomy form though doing her best to cheer Emily up, she felt a sense of relief and pleasantness envelop her.

Maybe this time, it´d all turn out differently. But in the end, they both parted ways neither asking for a phone number, address, or another time to meet.

They both knew they´d never meet again.

* * *

><p>"Where´ve you been?" Samara stood in the hall, arms crossed with a hurt look to her eyes, having expected Emily´s arrival even though she´d tried to sneak the door open.<p>

"Nowhere," Emily answered, not meeting Samara´s gaze and put all her concentration on hanging up her thin jacket instead. "Just by the park."

"So you just decided not to show up, and went to the park. And you don´t even answer my calls?" the blonde´s tone was cut short, irritated and piercing.

Emily knew that she´d been unfair; she felt a sense of shame for it. The way she bit her lip at the words very much showed that.

"I forgot the cell in my car Samara, I´m sorry okay?" She met the slightly hurt gaze with her own. "But I had to get out, I just..."

"Just what exactly? Emily, the national championships starts in less than a month, you can´t afford to slack off!"

"Well that´s my problem isn´t it?!" the haughty words, and the clenched tone quickly ebbed into shouting, hands flailing for emphasis as both wills clashed yet again.

"No it isn´t, I´m your trainer and your irresponsibility affects both of us!"

"Then maybe you just shouldn´t be my trainer!"

Emily´s words made Samara blank out. She blinked, frowned as Emily looked at her as if she´d just told the world her darkest, most shameful secret, until Emily quickly went into her room, locking herself in.

Samara knocked on her door a few times, until she gave up and left the apartment. They´d argued many times the last year, both knew they probably couldn´t take much more. They hadn´t thought of it much, when they first had started dating; working together professionally as swimmer and personal trainer, and then starting a relationship in private. They´d managed the first months, separating the two and respecting each other's opinions as much as possible to avoid friction between them.

But after competitions, and Emily soon becoming a top athlete competing nationally and soon internationally, Samara would try to coax Emily harder, which only caused stress and more friction. They argue, Samara wanting tighter schedules while Emily wanted breaks and space. Sometimes they´d fix it by a gesture of bouquets, gifts and apologies. Other´s, they´d ignore each other outside of practice and speak little to no words for days.

However, this was the first time any of them had spoken the option of just going separate ways aloud; but both had taken them with an unexpected apathy.

The days went on, Emily turning up for practices with Samara still coaching her; only more distant than before.

Then, on the 25th of July, Emily only showed up on the first practice pass, to later finding herself sitting in her car, having parked at the same place as two weeks ago. She sent a text to Samara; at least she could give her a heads up this time.

She thought she was being silly. She knew it was illogical, completely naive to even think the thought and then act on it. But she returned to the bench, the one ingrained with the letters "T&S" circled by a heart. The one she´d spoken with Paige McCullers on for almost two hours, even though it´d only been small talk and jokes. She sat down, hoping her old friend and ex-girlfriend of high school would show up again; as magically and peculiarly she´d done the last time.

But as people passed, lunchtime became dinnertime, Paige never showed up. And Emily could only tired and slightly disappointed go back to the apartment, and take responsibility for the second time she´d skipped a day of practice.

And she hoped, that maybe, just maybe, she could meet Paige McCullers one more time, someday, by the lake they´d reunited for the first time since they parted ways eight years ago. When Emily had gone Cali and Paige had gone to Stanford.

...

* * *

><p>"I´m terribly sorry Miss McCullers, but... I´m afraid the results aren´t good. The treatment didn´t work, and there´s no other way left we can use. It´s too far-gone, there´s nothing we can do to remove it at this stage. I´m so sorry."<p>

Paige blinked, face unmoving with not even the slightest twitch of muscles. She merely looked down at the floor, plastic and slightly dull, and glanced up at her doctor.

"How long?" she asked, and the longhaired doctor with the horn bowed glasses eyed her for any sort of sort of outburst, any show of emotions or a response to the news. The woman in the white robe clutched the clipboard in her hands as her body tensed.

"We have pills; they will slow the process down. With them; maybe six months at minimum. At most..." the doctor took a slight pause, taking a deep breath. "...At most, a year."

"Oh."

The doctor raised her eyebrow at that; scribbling down words on the paper in her lap. Paige had entered a state of shock, that much was apparent. She wondered where her patients parents were; any relatives, friends. But the woman had showed up here, alone, even though having been warned beforehand of what the prognosis might be. Even after being an ST Doctor for two years, she hadn´t encountered someone like this before. Someone she´d actually worried for outside of the hospital´s walls; she was afraid maybe she´d become too emotionally involved in this case.

"Most persons would want someone to come with them on occasions such as these. Family or friends." she said, genuinely concerned of the answer.

"I didn´t want to burden them. My parents already know; just not how bad. I figured they´d just cause a ruckus if they...heard this." even though her tone had been perfectly calm, perfectly normal; she´d finished her answer with a small dejected laugh. And the doctors heart broke when her patient broke down in front of her; clutching her head as she bent over on the chair, head hanging between her knees.

"Now what do I do?" Mid-sentence, Paige´s voice broke.

And Spencer Hastings, genius student and the first doctor in her family known to be only lawyers, the one known in her family as being the one most emotionally coolest and cautious of most forms of physical contact, carefully stretched out her hand and patted circles on the sobbing woman's back. Once the trembling stopped, and the tear faced woman looked up Spencer could only write out the recipe for the pills and give it to her.

"I´m sorry you had to see that." Paige croaked.

"Don´t be. And Miss McCullers?" she asked, just as Paige would leave.

"Yeah?" her voice sounded more like a crow than a human being.

"I know this might be a lot of information at once, and there´s a lot of thoughts swirling in your head right now but... There´s a group for these things, a safe space you could say, where you all get to talk about it, your thoughts, your emotions...I think it´d be a good thing."

"Sorry doctor, I know you mean well, but I´m not sure I´d want to go to some group therapy session and pity myself."

"However you might feel about it now, it´s a very healthy thing. It helps and gives people support. Promise you´ll consider it."

Paige couldn´t meet the probing eyes trying to coax out the wanted answer, and kept her gaze steady on the doorknob clenched in her hand. "...Okay."

"Oh, and Miss?" she called out again.

Spencer wasn´t met with an answer, but the woman halted her in her tracks and solemnly looked back at her.

"You should keep on living. Your way, as you want to, and take the time to do things you enjoy. As to what you should do from now on I mean. But I still want you for regular check-ups so don´t disappear to some far away country, alright?"

Before finally walking out the door, and leaving the oppressing white room behind, she breathed out slowly and managed a smile. "Right. Thank you doctor. For everything." she said, before disappearing out the door, and leaving the doctor behind to slump together on her chair; her journal clenched between her hands.

Sometimes, no matter how much you study medicine, the human anatomy, or the cells and nerve systems, even doctors couldn´t help no matter how much they wished for it. And that fact was something Spencer Hastings despised more than anything, and caused her to instantly drown a bottle of wine once she´d set foot inside her front door, and flip through the patient journal of Paige McCullers once more.

Emily on her end, alone in the vast double bed, stared up in the ceiling. She thought of the life that could´ve been had she gone to Stanford instead, as well as all the opportunities and the happy life she could´ve lived but´d lost.

Because she´d let go.

And in an apartment, a couple of miles away from the hospital just having been visited, the telephone answerer received messages over and over, in a dark room with no lights. The windows were hidden in cloth, the lights dead, and the limp body lying on the coach face against the cushions. The camera broken where it lay on the floor.

Only the flickering of the telephone, shone light as another message was left by the same sobbing voice the last days. Begging her to call back, begging her to tell them the doctor´s news as they´d stand by her side.

However, the curled up body under the blanket couldn´t rise, couldn´t talk. For now, she could just lay. Sleep, and try to dream about a happy ending in a world when she could´ve erased all her mistakes; fought for Emily, continued swimming, and at least tried to have _one_ serious relationship.

But Emily was a forgotten dream; an old memory of the past, in a future Paige would never witness and lead a life Paige would now never know the joy of.

Because she´d let go.

And now, the sand in the hourglass had run out.


End file.
